How to Help Your Teen With Big Emotions
Anyone who’s been around teens can agree that they can be prone to big emotions. There’s a developmental reason for this. In the teen years the brain goes through major growth and change. The last part of the brain to develop is the frontal cortex, or the part of the brain responsible for planning or thinking before acting. This means teens may rely more on the amygdala or the more impulsive, emotional part of the brain when making decisions.
When you combine this developmental reality with the real stress that teens have been under since the pandemic, it is understandable that they can become easily overwhelmed by emotions. There’s even a recent study that showed teens’ brains aged faster in the first year of the pandemic due to increased stress.
So how do we help our teens at such a crucial time? How do we help teens cope with anxiety and depression? Teens need us now more than ever to guide them and let them know they’re not alone. Here are some tips to help your teen when they’re overwhelmed by big emotions:
Keep calm and connect. First, check in with yourself. What do you need to do to take care of your own emotions and find a place of calm? Maybe take a few deep breaths or feel your feet on the ground to center yourself. Then focus your attention on connecting with your teen. Dr. Dan Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry and author of The Whole-Brain Child, states: “When the emotional gauge gets turned up, connection is the modulator that keeps the feelings from getting too high. Without connection, emotions can continue to spiral out of control.” Drop other distractions like your phone, verbally let them know you’re here to listen and support them. You are also modeling for them how to regulate or practicing co-regulation. Just like when they were 2 years old and skinned their knee; your soothing presence will help them begin to calm down.
Listen and validate. Don’t skip to problem-solving. If you find yourself wanting to quiet their emotions or skip to problem-solving, take a beat. You may need to go back to regulating yourself. A part of connection is helping your teen feel heard and understood. Providing empathy in those moments will be like water on the fire. Problem-solving or advice-giving can feel invalidating and lead to more intense emotions.
Normalize and allow emotions. Let them know that big emotions, especially at a time of such stress, are normal and understandable. They may have the instinct to avoid or push down their emotions. Teens who have higher levels of emotional avoidance or inability to regulate emotions have shown increased risk for substance use disorders. Helping them learn to accept and allow their emotions is increasing their emotional resilience.
Help them notice and name. Once they feel their emotions are accepted and normalized, help them notice how they’re experiencing them. How do the emotions show up in their body? You can model this for them as well. You can say something like, “I notice a tightness in my chest when I feel anger or frustration coming on at work.” Stay present with them as they notice what sensations they feel and give that emotion a name. Siegel also has a slogan called, “name it to tame it.” Once we physically experience and name an emotion, it begins to calm.
Help them identify meaningful next steps. This is what’s called in ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), value-based action. This could also be called step 1 or the step they take when they’re feeling more calm. Help them identify what they value. What’s important to them in their life? What behaviors help them connect with what’s important to them? Do they value friendship and connection? Maybe then they want to reach out to a friend or set up a time to hang out. Do they value creativity and art? Then support them in engaging in an activity that connects them with this. Spending time listening or creating music, drawing or talking about a favorite film. The most important thing to remember: the action must come from them and not what you think they should do. If it comes from a desire to please you, it won’t be effective in helping them learn to use this behavior to regulate their emotions.
Still feel overwhelmed trying to help your teen with anxiety or depression? Reach out for help! You don’t have to do this alone. If you’re living in Massachusetts, reach out to me to schedule a consultation.
