Breaking Patterns of Shame: Talking to Your Teen About Sex & Sexuality
If you were raised in a household were sex and sexuality were taboo topics, it can be difficult to break those patterns when parenting your own children. Even if your child is now a teen, it is never too late to make changes and choose to parent in a different way and break cycles of shame you may have internalized. Teens who experience non-judgemental support around their sexuality and identity are less likely to experience mental health challenges like anxiety and depression. Teens who know they have safe spaces to come to ask questions and get support will be healthier, happier, and more confident in who they are. So how you break patterns of shame around sex, if it’s something that you are still working on undoing in yourself?
Breaking patterns of shame around sexuality when parenting teens can be challenging, but it is important for their emotional and mental well-being. Here are some steps that may help:
How to Break Patterns of Shame: Talking to Your Teen About Sex & Sexuality
Start With Yourself: The best way to break cycles of shame around sex and our bodies, is to look inward. What lessons or myths were you taught about sex? What patterns of communication did you learn from your parents that you want to change? How can you practice compassion and acceptance of your body, your sexuality, and yourself? Reach out to a therapist for help if this something you want to deeper work on.
Practice open and honest communication: Encourage open and non-judgmental conversations about sexuality with your teen. If your teen comes to you with a question about sex or relationships (which is a big win!), focus on listening non-judgementally first. Focus on listening over advice-giving and keep your own concerns or discomforts to yourself.
Provide accurate information: Make sure teens has access to accurate, age-appropriate information about sexuality to help counter harmful myths and reduce feelings of shame. Where is your teen getting information about sex? Don’t be afraid to ask them and offer sources that are accurate and non-judgemental. If you’re not sure where to start, here’s a list of resources for teens on sex and sexual health.
Normalize a diverse range of experiences: Teens may tend to believe that what they experience in terms of their sexuality is abnormal. There’s such pressure to have relationships and identities that they think match those around them. Reassure them that everyone’s experience with their sexuality is unique and it’s something that changes over their lifespan.
Model healthy attitudes: Check the own language you use about sex. Is it shameful or judgemental or is it accepting and uplifting? How do you speak about your own body or others’ bodies? Children and teens pick up on our language and behaviors and internalize this leading to shame.
Seek outside help: If needed, seek the help of a therapist who specializes in issues related to sexuality and shame to provide additional support in breaking patterns of shame.
Remember that it takes time to break patterns of shame, so be patient with yourself and continue to have open and honest communication with your teen. By committing to these conversations, you are already doing a great job.
